I remember you

I don't even know if it's appropriate to say I love you
I know that i am intoxicated with the festival of you
in its hovering yesterdays
and sunsets where I lay on the lazy  hillside of your skin
with the bass of your heart beating under my ear
carrying me on its hull
relaxing my eyes, curling my lips and us vanishing peacefully
Then after the darkness passed our dancing silhouettes always touched the dawn
fingertips, wrists, elbows, shoulders , bodies
But this one time there was a cold in the darkness ahead and uneventfully I woke up ded
and now living is dying with a mask on it

because somehow  I was abandoned in our dream
Not for a second with chocolate and music but this time for lifetimes
and I wander, wondering why you've gone
If you can't find your way back
or if the tear  I intrusted onto the palm of your left hand is drowning in the lifeline
far from it's  ocean
so I was writing your name on my dog tag in a bottle because i don’t know where it's going
and the pen started rowing
knowing that our souls  had shared heartbeats
as though my body was a tree and you were the crimson breeze blushing my leaves
and when they raced in autumns its because every part of me wants to go to you
and make fractal patterns of our dancing atoms with your every tone and incantation rising and falling inside of mine like waves under red moons
so I want you back more than a return ticket to youth
My skies are screaming and clouds are erratic because they can't find you but I know you're there but just beyond.
I see you through windows I never knew existed
In the words in a picture
and the chuckle of the earth before a harvest
Your laughter calls me to every double rainbow
and I hear you in silent hums at the doorstep

and I'm not sure wether it's appropriate to say  I need you
but you said that you would never leave me
And I believe you
It's not so much remembering as I couldn't forget
Why would I
Why would you rest your head without a pillow
or carve the letters I etched on a tree
onto a gravestone and be alone

I need you in tomorrow's sunrise
but if tomorrow never comes then suffering  has no shelf life
because now lasts forever
the future is here and you're not but
but my final exhale had your name in it before you had me at hello
and it'll continue into my birth scream so when they ask me what I want to  be when I grow up I can honestly say ' your other half ' and show children that there's more reward in standing in tescos with you discussing rich tea or digestive than running the world or being a famous physician
so I will come to you
out of this red mist
that I didn't see coming
and I don't know where I'm going
and I hear the whispers of he's got issues but I just miss you more than I have tissues for this mess of loneliness I'm drenched in since you never said goodbye but left
and I began to stir waters too murky to show your reflection on the surface

I will come to you
in the dark tempest
hurling debris the four corners of our circle
and I don't know if its enough to say it's  about love
Losing you my hand lost it's
glove
and scratching at the past leaves needles under my fingernails
and now my hands won't stop pouring the blood of the memories that I keep involuntarily trying to murder

but I miss watching you breath. That it made me high and never so grounded as to question why that was more soothing than hollywood matinee symphonies
or why if you were on tv I would become an addict
freeze frame stills
comfort eat
and refuse to see a medic without my screen
It wouldn't be so tragic since
I choose to die looking at you anyway